now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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