My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
