Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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