i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
