I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
