My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
