Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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