Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
