I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
