my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
