Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
worst night to have a conscience
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
