I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
