the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
