I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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