The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
