Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
