watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Farmville is her only friend.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
