This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
