Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
