she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
