i think i have two assholes
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
