Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
