Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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