I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think I just sharted jello shots
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