she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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