I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
