and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
