you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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