Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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