I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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