i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
