It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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