Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
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I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
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You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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