i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
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I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
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Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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