so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
