I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
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HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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