Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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