I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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