I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
