I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
