By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
