my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
