there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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