I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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