im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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