If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Randomize
