I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
