I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
