there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
