So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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