The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
