Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
