Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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