OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Do vagina's smell?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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