I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I need to sanitize my soul.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
